Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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