saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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