hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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