her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
