he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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