I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
