Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
