Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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