Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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