Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
