I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
