spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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