from now on my penis is your penis
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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