like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
