I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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