hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
there is puke in my bra ... again
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