If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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