I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
