i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
