i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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