I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Randomize
