2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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