i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Send help, water and tortillas.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
