After last night, I could never be a politician.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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