4 words: hood of his car
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Houston, we have a squirter
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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