Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
True strength comes from lack of pants
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
