we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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