im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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