you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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