Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
