You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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