so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
