If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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