Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
