he wants to bone in the snuggie
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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