My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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