can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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