Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
