eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
