I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
