make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
