remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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