It was confusing and full of hummus
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
