I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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