On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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