Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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