normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
