Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
