I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
