You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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