dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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