I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i wish my penis had a tongue
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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