You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
