Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
