I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I would ride that face into the sunset
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
