So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
