Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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