I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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