I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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