Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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