I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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