I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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