I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
