fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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